i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
