Cold hands, warm shart.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
