my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
