White coat. Heels.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
