It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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