We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
