everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
