I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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