My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
