Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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