she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
