The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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