If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
