on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
