I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she told me i tasted like america
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
