ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
