I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
