I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
