one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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