I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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