I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize