You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
