dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
