I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
