ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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