I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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