so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize