Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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