You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How does it feel to date your dad?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
