My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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