my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
farters have to be the big spoon...
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
