Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
