his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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