Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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