I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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