Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
