My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
3pm strippers are depressing
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
