Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
