I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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