I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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