ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
