They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
