You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
