I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
