The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
