BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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