I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
