dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
