Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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