mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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