I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
