We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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