I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
