Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
