I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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