apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I touched a dick in church today
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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