Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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