my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
