I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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