whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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