woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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