I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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