note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
