Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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