I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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