The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
