Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
